Week Eleven: excerpt of chapter thirteen

At 12:18 tomorrow morning

                                    I reviewed the photos

                  { the museum and art gallery. }

No more you & I

                                    for the best, really.

                  I saw your mum at the

supermarket

                  { we cried in the fruit aisle. }

I’ve become so lonely

                  so empty

                                    especially at this time

                  { 12:18 tomorrow morning. }

I feel so far away

                                    from everyone

                                                                        even my

                                    best friends

                  { I think I just want to be held. }

God, I feel so pathetic.

It’s 12:18 tomorrow morning

I’m not sure that I love you

anymore

{ but did you ever love me? }

So much has changed these

past few weeks

neither of us are quite the same.

Dealing with Mark’s absence was much easier to do when Alex was younger and his memories were fading fast. He had other friends at school, other people to distract him with, and in his young age he didn’t understand what Mark living in another country meant. He didn’t have the capacity to ache for him like he did after his graduation.

There were pieces of Mark everywhere Alex looked; the clear gap he’d left was startling and the hot, heavy air around him was suffocating. The feeling of not being able to text Mark and just meet up, of not being able to kiss Mark again, of not being able to even just spend time with his best friend threatened to turn his insides out.

He isolated himself from the others, knowing that he would just ruin any time they spent time together. Aiden still made efforts to get him out of the house, but it seemed as though Carlos had taken Mark’s side and Jaemin had followed suit. It hurt Alex, to think that he had driven all of his friends away, and he regretted not spending more time with at least Aiden before he moved down to Otago for university. He wanted to go to the leaving party, but Mark was going to be there as well so he skipped on it and instead had Aiden over to stay the night one last time.

They walked down to the swimming hole they used to play in as children, where the water had gone over their heads and the farm dogs had swum around them in circles. They set down towels on the grassy bank and lay in the water on their backs, enjoying how cold the fresh water was with no heating in it and the sun dappled on their faces through the trees. Alex tried not to let his mind wander too much, but it was hard to ignore the aching of his heart. Aiden waded over to him and frowned.

“I know you don’t want to talk about it –”

Alex cut him off with a groan, slipping his eyes shut. “I really don’t, Aiden.”

“Don’t interrupt me. You need to talk about it. I hate seeing you all pathetic like this, it’s not like you to be so quiet.” He flicked some water up onto Alex’s stomach. “I miss my big mouth Gemini.”

Alex sighed, not seeing a way out of the conversation. “Fine. But let’s go up on the bank, I’m not giving you the upper hand with all this water.”

“What, you think I’m gonna drown you?”

Alex stood up and made for the bank. “I wouldn’t put it past you.”

They lay down on their towels, Alex throwing a hand over his eyes to shield them from the sun as it was more direct away from the trees. Aiden lay on his side to face Alex and Alex could see his frown even in his periphery.

“What happened, Alex?”

Alex shut his eyes, finding it easier to talk if he didn’t have to make eye contact with Aiden. “He asked what I wanted and I said I wanted this,” he gestured vaguely, “and he got up and left. Said someone was gonna fall in love and ruin everything. Which was true, I suppose I did.”

“Wait, you were in love with him?”

Alex shrugged. “I still am, I guess. Otherwise I wouldn’t feel like shit.”

“Fuck. I didn’t know that.”

“I never told you, so that’s understandable.”

“How long?”

Alex tried to remember. It was hard to put a finger on exactly when he had fallen in love with Mark, so he settled on when he realised he had. “That time we all went ice skating?”

“Shit. Alex, I’m so sorry.”

“Not your fault he doesn’t love me back.” Alex turned his head and opened his eyes to see Aiden was on the edge of tears. “Don’t cry, Aiden, please don’t cry over me being a pathetic faggot.”

Aiden reached out his hand and Alex took it. “Quit trying to make a joke out of this, Jesus.”

“Sorry.” Alex bit his lip and turned onto his side. “I think Carlos’s mad at me or something. He’s definitely taken Mark’s side, which means so has Jaemin.” He felt tears prickle behind his eyes. 

“Fuck, Aiden I’m gonna miss you so much.”

Aiden wriggled over so that he was lying next to Alex, pulling him in for a hug. “I’m going to come back during holidays, you can’t get rid of me that easily.”

“How am I supposed to survive school without you? I’m going to have to third wheel for the whole year.”

“You never know, they could break up and spare you the pain.”

“That’d be worse,” Alex mumbled into Aiden’s skin, feeling it wet from his own tears. “It’s not going to be the same without you.”

“When did this talk become about me? We’re supposed to be dissecting your relationship with Mark right now.”

“Fuck I know.” Alex pulled back from the hug and Aiden shuffled onto his towel, the two of them facing each other with their fingers threaded between them. “I’m so mad at myself for driving him away. I miss him so much.”

“It’s not your fault, he’s the one who decided to leave. I’ll have to have a word with him at some point. But you’re so strong, Alex. You’ll get through this like you’ve gotten through everything in your life before.”

“I know, it just feels like shit right now.”

Aiden huffed a light laugh. “Yeah, it sucks.”

They lay together, talking about how hurt Alex felt and how Aiden was mad at Mark and sad that he had to leave Alex in just a few days.

School started up again, and it took a few weeks before Carlos treated Alex like a friend again, which hurt. Jaemin had no problem with him from the start, still inviting Alex to hang out with them any chance he could. But nothing changed the fact that Alex wasn’t a part of their relationship, and that hurt as well. He made friends with some other kids in their year; Heejin who was in his drama class and helped him with his lines and partnered with him for all their performances; Hyunjin who was the most opinionated student in his media studies class; and Sanha who sat in the back of his English Literature class and made comments under his breath about the content.

He filled the gaps that Mark had left, the spaces that Mark had taken with him. The things that Mark had stolen from him when he drove away that morning in between exams and Christmas. He started to mend and heal, although he never truly got over things. There was always a small part of him that yearned for Mark, when he woke up in the middle of the night and just wanted to be held by someone. When he couldn’t fall asleep and climbed up onto the roof with a blanket and a pillow and his soft toy his great aunt had given him when he was a month old. When he saw Mark’s mother in the fruit aisle of the supermarket and ran to the other end down in the dairy section, trying to avoid any reminders of him. It was a long and painful process, but it was necessary for him to be able to move on from what happened. And by the time he was walking across the stage at his own graduation, an empty seat at his table another clear indication of Mark’s absence, it didn’t hurt him nearly as much as he thought it would.