Week Eleven: excerpt of chapter twelve

It’s 12:18 tomorrow morning

                                     words are escaping me

funny how they do that

                                                      around you.

You ask me what I want but

                                                          I don’t know.

                  Something.

                                          Anything.

Although,

                      maybe I do

                                    { you’re doing it right now. }

                  Staying with me.

He hung up before Carlos had the chance to continue the conversation, and instead stared up at his bedroom ceiling. He drummed his fingers on his stomach, wondering what the implications of this meant. Obviously, he knew that he himself was in love with Mark, that much was clear to him. But then he started to think about why it was only making out. Why Mark hadn’t tried to go further, or even stopped kissing him altogether. He frowned, not wanting to come to terms with the fact that he was nothing more than a convenience to Mark. Tears started to burn hot in his eyes, and he turned over onto his stomach, face down in a pillow while he started to sniffle.

There was a soft knock on the door and Alex sniffed deeply before answering.

“Who is it?”

“Me.” Ty’s voice was soft and only made Alex cry harder. “You okay?”

Alex suppressed a particularly harsh sob. “Obviously not.”

The door opened and Ty stepped into the room. Alex had left the light off, and the sliver that came in from the hall outside his room made him wince. Ty shut the door quietly and walked around to lower himself to sit next to Alex. Immediately, his hand was in Alex’s hair, smoothing it back from his face and tucking it behind his ear.

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

“No,” Alex said miserably into the pillow.

Growing up on a farm had done wonders for Ty’s upper strength; pulling Alex into his lap was an easy feat compared to pulling out fence posts. Alex hiccupped a little into Ty’s chest, allowing himself to be swaddled. Ty rocked him gently, the same way their mother had when they were younger, still stroking his hair and humming See Saw Marjorie Daw. Alex felt warm and small and comfortable, and eventually after several reprises of the nursery rhyme he was able to lift his head. In the dark, Ty placed a hand on each of Alex’s cheeks and wiped away the dampness.

“What’s wrong, Alex?”

Alex let out a deep sigh and shut his eyes. “Mark.”

Ty’s hands twitched either side of his face. “Did he hurt you?”

“No, no it’s not like that, I just,” Alex sighed again, “I don’t think he loves me back.”

“Oh. Oh, Alex I’m so sorry.” Ty hugged him closer, his hands shaking against Alex’s back, probably with anger despite it not being Mark’s fault. “That’s so shit.”

“Yeah,” Alex laughed into Ty’s neck. “Yeah it hurts.”

“If you need me to do anything I’m always here, you know that, right? Even if I’m at the flat I’ll be out here as soon as you need me.”

“Thanks, I should be fine, though. I just have to get over it.”

“That’s easier said than done, Alex.”

“I know I just, don’t know what else to do. I can’t just fall out of love with him, you know?”

“God I feel that.” Ty thought for a moment. “How about you take the day off school tomorrow? I’ll tell Mum I’m driving you in and we can just hang out and watch movies or something.”

Alex gripped onto Ty’s shirt and curled up into a tighter ball. “I love you so much.”

“Love you too.”

Things came to a head a week before the graduation ceremony, when Mark had driven out to stay the night at Alex’s. It was just the two of them, which had grown more and more frequent as the year drew to a close. Ty was home for a few days, missing having dinner cooked for him and wanting to get some fresh air. He started daggers at Mark over the table top, knuckles white on his cutlery despite Alex’s pleading looks. After dinner, they slipped into bed together and watched a movie that quickly turned into making out, Mark blindly reaching to shut the laptop and push it to the side of the bed as he pulled Alex on top of him.

Alex was straddling his hips, hands braced on Mark’s shoulders as Mark ran his hands up and down Alex’s sides, fingertips pushing past the hem of his shirt to run across his bare skin. It was starting to get hot again, summer having a rebirth and making the hair heavy and humid, although with Mark’s lips against his own, Alex found it hard to tell. The only thing he was truly certain of was the feeling of Mark’s skin against his, the way it felt like they were melding together comfortably, his body reshaping itself to fit into Mark’s.

Alex was woken in the morning by the sound of his laptop hitting the floor. He swore under his breath, rolling away from Mark’s hold on him and checking to see if the screen had broken. Upon finding it hadn’t, he pushed it under his bed and turned over to see Mark looking at him, eyes still drooping with sleep. He gave Alex a dopey smile and reached a hand out from under the duvet to cup Alex’s cheek.

“You’re so beautiful Alex.”

Alex’s breath hitched at the words, but he shuffled closer on the bed and moved a hand to rest on Mark’s waist. His voice came out in a whisper. “So are you, golden boy.”

Mark huffed a laugh and leant forward to kiss Alex; nothing more than a simple press of lips. There was no movement, but the simple gesture set Alex alight and he willed himself not to feel any love from it. When Mark pulled back, he was frowning. He rested his forehead against Alex’s and slid his hand back into his hair, tugging half-heartedly at the strands at the back of his head.

“Alex,” his voice was barely there, the only sign of it the ghost of his words across Alex’s lips, “what are we?”

It was a little awkwardly worded, and Alex would have laughed. He would have laughed if his heart wasn’t in the way. Would have laughed if his life wasn’t falling apart, if Mark wasn’t pinning him down under his gaze, under his hand despite his grip being so weak in his fatigue. Alex blinked and dislodged a tear so he quickly moved his head to let it be absorbed by the pillow. He shrugged and Mark bit his lip.

“I mean like, what do you want from this?”

But Alex was rendered speechless. How could he say what he wanted; that he wanted Mark to keep doing what he was already doing but just that he wanted Mark to love him while he did it. That he wanted Mark to tell him he loved him and for it to mean more than just “I’ve known you since forever”. How could he ever put that into words that wouldn’t make his cheeks burn with shame, hot and humiliated and so red that he would forget the tone of his skin.

How could he explain to Mark that what he wanted from this was a relationship, when the shift that dynamic would require seemed so minute that it was almost unnoticeable. That he almost couldn’t see it. That he felt like it would have happened naturally if it hadn’t already, that it would go without them realising. That one day they would wake up and be in a relationship anyway. That this felt inherently wrong because it wasn’t how Alex had seen it going in his mind whenever he imagined it.

He held his breath, watched Mark shut his eyes and brace himself for something. Alex didn’t know what Mark wanted him to give to him, so instead he said the thing that seemed most important.

“I don’t want anything. I like how we are now.”

Mark recoiled from him, retracting his hand. “What do you mean?” Alex only shrugged and Mark frowned. “You don’t want me?”

Alex’s eyes went wide and he shook his head. “No, Mark, that’s not what I meant –”

“What did you mean?” Mark said, voice shaking and Alex realised he was holding back tears.

He shrugged. “I just, I don’t know. Things are fine now.”

“But,” Mark started, but he bit hard into his bottom lip. He took what was probably supposed to be a steadying breath and sat up, the duvet falling away from his chest as he clambered out of bed. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Alex.”

Alex sat up and watched as Mark collected his things, stuffing them into the overnight bag he’d brought with him. “Why not? It’s been so alright so far.”

Mark froze, facing away from him. He sniffed and dragged a hand across his face. “Someone’s going to fall in love and ruin everything.” He pulled on his hoodie and stuffed his feet into his sneakers. “I’m sorry, Alex.”

He didn’t look at Alex before he left, and Alex sat still in bed, not daring to breathe as he heard Mark start his car and head up the drive way. After he couldn’t hold his breath any longer, he started to breath shallowly, not wanting to disturb the air around him, feeling it too heavy on his chest. His cheek was still warm from where Mark’s wrist had been pressed against it. Eventually, he let out a sob, pulling his knees to his chest as he tried to make himself as small as possible.

When he had the energy, he dragged himself out of bed and upstairs, knocking gently on Ty’s bedroom door. Ty groaned and Alex took it to mean he was still asleep, but he desperately needed a hug. He slipped inside and swallowed down his tears as he walked up to Ty’s bed, the smell of his room clean and comforting. Ty rolled over and slowly cracked his eyes open, sitting up quickly when he saw Alex’s face.

“Jesus Christ, Alex, what happened?” he reached his arms out and pulled Alex down into bed with him, immediately winding himself around Alex as he simply sobbed into his chest.

“I’m a fucking coward, Ty. I fucked up so bad and it hurts so fucking bad.” Alex could barely make sense of himself through the sobs that racked through his body.

“Shh, just take a moment, get it out and then you can talk.”

Alex was eternally grateful to Ty as he simply held him through it all; for how long Alex had no idea. But Ty was a rock throughout it all, rubbing a soothing hand up his back and waiting patiently, not even complaining about being woken up.

Alex swore under his breath and sniffed hard as he lifted his head. “Fuck, I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry, Ty.”

Ty wiped under his eye with a thumb. “Stop, you’re going to set yourself off again.”

Alex nodded and took a deep breath. “I made him leave.”

Ty frowned. “What do you mean?”

Alex felt like his bones had dissolved as he leant against Ty further than he had before. Ty lay down, allowing Alex to curl up at his side.

“He asked me what I wanted and I didn’t know, so I just said I liked what we already had, and then,” he felt tears building up again but kept talking through it, throat threatening to close up at any moment, “and he said we should stop then because someone was going to fall in love and ruin things. I fucked it all up, Ty. I ruined it.”

“Alex, I’m so sorry,” Ty’s voice was mollifying and he pressed a kiss to Alex’s head. “That’s such a dick move, I’m so sorry he said that to you.”

“Then he packed his bag and left without saying goodbye.”

“Asshole. God, no one gets to treat you like that.” Ty’s arms tightened around him. “I’m so sorry.”

Alex shrugged. “’S no one’s fault but mine. God I feel like a fucking idiot. I should’ve never kissed him.”

Ty tensed beside him – he’d never disclosed exactly what his relationship with Mark was – but he ultimately decided not to question him about it. “I wish I knew how to stop it hurting. I’m sorry I can’t do more.”

“It’s okay, you give good hugs.”

Ty drove him into the village later that day to buy junk food and they spent the rest of the time in the old play room going through their old toys as a way to distract Alex. They made their way through two litres of cookies and cream and a few photo albums before their mother joined them, pressing a kiss to Alex’s temple and not prying as to why his eyes were red. He changed his bed sheets, not wanting any trace of Mark to be left on them. During the day, things were all fine and good, but when it came time to fall asleep, Alex couldn’t help sobbing into his pillow case.

Alex still went to the graduation ceremony the next week, but he and Mark spent almost the whole night ignoring each other until photos, and even then they were on opposite sides of the line-up. Instead, he busied himself by talking to Carlos and Jaemin about their subjects for the next school year and their summer plans. Aiden was giving him odd looks, and Carlos had clearly heard about things from Mark as he seemed pretty unhappy with Alex, but he pointedly ignored the warning signs throughout the night.

Alex had arranged to stay the night at Jaemin’s house after the ceremony, his father having dropped him off earlier. What he didn’t realise, however, was that he would have to share a car with Mark. He sat in the backseat, directly behind Mark and looked out of the window, not wanting to chance making eye contact with him in the rear view mirror. Mark dropped Carlos off first, who turned around to kiss Jaemin goodbye, then they drove around to Jaemin’s house. Jaemin got out quickly, Alex wanting to follow suit as he scooted across the back seat.

“Wait, Alex?”

Alex felt bile burn at his insides and he didn’t dare look at Mark. “Yeah?”

There was a hesitation and Alex braced himself for the worst.

“I’m sorry things turned out like this. I’ll miss you.”

Alex simply grabbed for his bag. “I’m sorry too, Minhyung.”

He got out of the car and went to the spare room immediately, telling Jaemin that he was too tired to watch a movie. He tried to keep quiet as he cried that night, but was certain that Jaemin would still be able to hear him.

He didn’t see Mark for the rest of the summer.