Week Nine: excerpt of chapter nine

12:18 tomorrow morning.

You lay down your head.

In my lap.

And cried.

                                    { You were always

        stronger than me.}

      You shared a burden of your mind.

      You admitted you were weak.

      And you hated it.

      But you trusted me.

                                    { So much stronger. }

I believe you are stronger.

Than anyone I know.

You may feel weak.

The way I feel broken.

                                    { It doesn’t mean we

     are. }

After the first time it happened, Alex and Mark couldn’t stay away from each other. Any time they hung out it ended with the two of them twined together in some corner of whoever’s house it was. Despite what Alex had first thought, nothing changed between the two of them during the daylight, apart from maybe Mark was a little more physically affectionate. Which was all fine and good when they were watching a movie and Alex tucked his head under Mark’s arm, nestling into his side and making his home there. But when they were in public, Mark’s fingers gripping his hip loosely made him squirm.

As the school holidays came to an end and they went back to school, Alex felt something tugging at his chest. He forced it down, dismissing it as simply surprise whenever Mark pulled him into his lap in a corner of the house commons. Dismissed it as simply comfortable whenever he leant back against Mark’s chest.

He was up studying one night, trying and failing to wrap his head around his statistics homework when he got a phone call from Mark. He answered it, rubbing his face with an open palm and then resting his chin in his hand.

“Hey.”

“Hey, can I crash at yours?”

Alex sat up a little. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Mark gave a breathless chuckle, “just went for a drive and I’m too tired to go back home, you know?” there was a moment of hesitation. “And I want to see you.”

Alex looked at his watch, the lady bug that acted as a second-hand tracking around the perimeter of the clock face. “I’m studying and I wanted to get an early night, but sure.”

“That’s okay, I don’t mind. We don’t have to do anything.”

Something pulled at Alex’s chest. “Yeah alright. How far away are you?”

Alex walked up to meet Mark at the gate, directing him to park his car out of the way and away from the house so he didn’t wake up Alex’s parents. They walked down the drive way together, Mark hooking his elbow around Alex’s as the gravel crunched beneath their feet. They were well into May and the chill in the air was evident of winter creeping up on them. It wasn’t yet cold enough to see their breaths, but Alex felt it through his pyjama pants.

When they got into the house, climbing up onto the pump house and through Alex’s window, Mark went straight for the bed, tucking himself in and curling up on his side. After watching him, Alex closed his window and returned to his desk, hoping the cool air had cleared his head a little. After struggling through two questions, Alex spared a glance over his shoulder to see that Mark had fallen asleep, his mouth fallen open softly and one hand curled up next to his head on the pillow. He smiled to himself, enjoying how peaceful Mark looked compared to how tense he’d seemed on the walk down.

His eyelids were being weighed down, so Alex left the remaining two questions for the next morning before classes. He packed this things away quietly so as not to wake Mark, picking his way around his room to put his books in his bag before going to the bathroom to cleanse his face and brush his teeth. When he got back to his room, he flicked the light switch and slipped into bed.

He jumped a little when Mark turned over, one hand fumbling under the covers until he found Alex’s. Mark linked their fingers together, gripping tightly onto Alex so hard it almost hurt.

“Mark?” the only reply was a soft sniffle. “Mark, are you okay?”

In the dark, Mark shuffled across the mattress so that he could rest his head on Alex’s chest, slinging an arm over his torso. Alex could feel him quivering and put an arm around his shoulders, his other hand linking back with Mark’s. Mark gave the occasional sniff, and after a while Alex felt moisture seeping through the fabric of his shirt. His heart ached, but he waited until Mark felt comfortable to speak.

After a few minutes, Mark gave a wet chuckle. “Sorry, god I feel so pathetic.”

Alex kissed the top of Mark’s head. “Don’t.”

He sighed. “I just, I don’t know. The whole time I was in Shanghai I hated it and just wanted to come home, you know? But now I’m home and all I want is to go back.” He sniffed particularly hard, and Alex reached to his bedside table to pluck a tissue out of the box. “Thanks. I just miss my parents so fucking much. I thought I’d be alright, because you know at this age all you want is to get away from them and be on your own. But god I miss them so much.”

Alex started rubbing up and down Mark’s arm. “That’s understandable. They come home soon though, don’t they? Like later this year?”

Mark blew his nose loudly. “They’re going to miss my birthday.”

“Oh. I’m sorry, Minhyungie.” Alex picked up the whole tissue box and placed it on his stomach for Mark to get to.

“Yeah it fucking sucks. I don’t know, school is way more stressful than I thought it would be, you know? And sometimes I just want a hug from my mum.”

Alex felt his eyes prickling himself and held Mark tighter against his chest.

“I feel like, because I’m living away from my parents everyone expects me to be so strong and brave, but I’m just not,” Mark had started sobbing now, his shoulders shaking under Alex’s arms, “I feel so weak all the time and I can’t sleep properly and I feel like I haven’t been happy since summer.” He let out a harsh breath. “Back when nothing mattered and we were all just walking around at two in the morning. But now I’m always up at two a.m. and all I can do is stare at the ceiling and regret all the choices I’ve made the past six months.”

He deteriorated into sobs for a moment, and all Alex could do was hold him tighter and press kisses to the top of his head. He felt helpless, wanting to absorb all of Mark’s pain, transferring it from one body to another, so that Mark wouldn’t have to do this alone. He felt horrible and guilty, even though he knew realistically that it had nothing to do with him.

Mark calmed down after a moment, his breathing evening out and his face mopped up with a tissue discarded on the floor. “Thanks for letting me come over. It feels weird talking to the others about this stuff, you know? I trust you with this part of me, or whatever.”

Tears started to spill, Alex’s tear ducts unable to contain them as he attempted to keep his voice even. “You can come to me with this any time, Minhyung. I’ll always be here for you.”

Mark turned around in Alex’s arms, pressing their cheeks together in the proximity. “I love it when you call me that.”

Alex huffed a laugh. “What, Minhyung? Your name?”

Mark’s hands bunched in the hem of Alex’s shirt. “Yeah, I don’t know. Makes me feel safe.”

Alex’s heart swelled at the thought that he made Mark feel safe; Mark who was always so strong and solid and certain of himself. He kissed Mark’s cheek.

“Get some sleep, Minhyungie.”

Mark hummed, rubbing his nose on Alex’s neck. “You too, Alex. You work too hard.”

It took only moments for Mark to fall asleep again, Alex’s arms still circled around him. Alex’s arm was falling asleep and he didn’t like sleeping on his side, but he couldn’t bring himself to disturb Mark after he’d been so vulnerable with him. He pressed a single, feather light kiss to Mark’s lips and settled down into the pillows.