Week Twelve: chapter fourteen

At 12:18 tomorrow morning I thought

                                    my body parts must all

                  smell different.

                                                                        My legs

                                                      are                  your

favourite fruit

my arms                 are like a garden

                                    my hands

must be delicious

                  { you keep putting my fingers

        in

your mouth. }

                                    My neck and my lashes

                  smell like a violet sky.

The plan was: Jaemin and Alex would help Carlos move his stuff into the Akoranga student village on the North Shore campus of AUT, then Jaemin would drive them to Mount Street at central and he and Carlos would help Alex move into the student flats there. Moving Carlos in didn’t take too long, he didn’t feel the need to take too much with him because his parents’ house was only a bus ride away. Alex, however, took everything in his room but his furniture.

He’d convinced his parents that since Ty got a large room in his first year, he should get one too, even if it had gotten significantly more expensive. Carlos and Jaemin waited in the car, (made out in the car), while Alex went in and met his resident assistant, a tall boy in his second year called Lucas. He was loud and funny and helped show Alex his new room and introduce him to his flatmates.

Lucas hung around while Carlos and Jaemin started bringing Alex’s things up in a shopping trolley.

“I’m on Facebook so if you need anything just shoot me a message, I’ll probably make a group chat for your floor.” He said, handing Alex his phone with Facebook open.

“Thanks,” Alex said, putting in his name and adding himself. They had a couple of mutual friends, but that wasn’t out of the ordinary – most people did in Auckland. “I’ll bear it in mind.”

Lucas beamed at him, and Alex noted that his neck was starting to get sore from having to look up at him so much. Carlos poked his head around the corner of the hallway and pulled Alex’s attention away from Lucas.

“That was the last of it, do you want us to help unpack?”

As Alex replied, he heard the front door of the flat open behind him and someone start talking to Lucas. “Yeah if that’s okay, don’t feel like you have to stick around though.”

But Carlos wasn’t looking at him, he was looking past him, over Alex’s shoulder to the front door. Alex frowned, realising that the whole room had gone dead quiet. He pivoted on the ball of his foot and came face to face with Mark.

The first thing Alex noticed was that his hair was black. Black and straight against his scalp, a perfect contrast to the blond mop of curls he’d had a year ago when Alex last saw him. It made him look more grown up; more mature in a way that made Alex’s heart clench. He was wearing the same lanyard as Lucas, telling Alex that he was also an RA. His mouth was opening and closing, making him look like a fish.

Alex willed down the lump in his throat. “Hi Mark.”

Lucas looked between the two of them. “You know him?” then he slapped a hand over his mouth. “Oh shit. That Alex.”

Alex waited for something, anything, from Mark, but when he stayed silent Alex frowned.

“Well, if that’s all you have to offer, I have a suitcase to unpack.”

He turned around again, wishing his hair was longer so it would smack Mark in his dumb, expressionless face, and breezed past Carlos, who was equally slack jawed. He met Jaemin in the hallway, who was probably coming to see what was taking so long, but ignored his question and went straight to his room. He curled up on his side in the king single bed, hugging his knees to his chest and staring at a spot on the wall. He could hear Carlos and Mark talking, still out in the hallway, but he filtered them out, not wanting to know what Mark was saying about him. Jaemin slipped quietly into the room, sitting down next to the bed and placing a hand on Alex’s knee.

“Is there anything I can do?”

Alex shrugged, not wanting the unresolved emotions of the previous summer to wash over him.

Jaemin nodded, standing up and walking over to Alex’s suitcase. He dragged it over to the wardrobe and started unpacking Alex’s clothes.

“Thank you,” he whispered, voice hoarse with the effort if keeping in his tears.

“It’s okay, you’ve got enough to deal with. And I don’t think you should be alone for it.”

Jaemin continued unpacking Alex’s clothes as Alex wept into his pillows. Carlos came in at some point and made Alex sit up so he could rub his shoulders, making Alex relax considerably.

Over the course of year thirteen, Carlos and Alex had slowly fit back together. Alex suspected Jaemin had something to do with it, and it helped that one night Jaemin had bailed on them and left them to hash things out. Alex had poured his heart out to Carlos, explaining that he had fallen in love with Mark and hadn’t meant to ruin things the way he did. As soon as Carlos saw him break down around the words, he’d softened, wrapping his arms around Alex and murmuring apologies into his hair. Alex had told him not to feel bad, that it was Alex who had fucked up, that he was the one that ruined everything. Carlos just shook his head and told Alex that he’d done nothing wrong, even though Alex knew that wasn’t true.

Things got better after that, although it seemed like it had happened a beat too late, as they were going straight into their exams and had next to no time to spend together. Alex knew that Carlos still talked to Mark regularly, that they were still close despite how badly Alex had been hurt. He made peace with it.

Alex knew that he was going to be rooming with Heejin from his drama class. They had gotten particularly close in the previous year and applied to be put in the same flat, and he was thankful for her over the course of their first two weeks. Lucas seemed to always want to corner him for a conversation that Alex got the feeling that he didn’t want to have. He thankfully didn’t see Mark again, but he caught glimpses of him surrounded by friends and laughing. Heejin was always there to distract him.

One day she was lying on his bedroom floor, taking photos of herself as she preferred the lighting in there.

“When are you going to talk to him?” she said, propping herself up on one elbow.

Alex turned to look at her from where he was on his bed. “Hopefully never. You remember he broke my heart, right? I’d rather not deal with that.”

She huffed, blowing up a strand of her hair. “You have to reconcile at some point. Don’t you miss him?”

Alex looked back up at the ceiling. “So much my bones ache.”

Heejin scoffed. “Okay Sir Edgelord McGee.” She took another photo, this time of Alex. “This photo would be cute if you didn’t look like you’ve never known happiness.”

Alex flipped over onto his side. “Do you think I should talk to him?”

Heejin rolled her eyes. “I’ve been saying, Alex. Talk to him.”

Alex bit his lip. “Maybe I should ask Aiden.”

“He’ll tell you the same thing.” Alex knew she was right. “You just don’t want to do it.”

“Get out of my room.”

She did, but not before planting a kiss on his cheek.

Alex played around on his phone for a while, completing a Sudoku board before he finally dialled Aiden’s number.

When he answered, Aiden sounded out of breath. “Hey Alex.”

“Hey, are you okay? You sound winded.”

“Moving furniture. Silvia, I’m gonna take this, can you take the couch into the living room? Sorry, move in day.”

“That’s okay.”

“Speaking of, how’s the student flats?”

“Good, except Mark lives here too and is best friends with my RA.”

There was a pause, then the sound of Aiden collapsing onto what Alex assumed was a bed. “Shit.”

“Yeah.”

“Have you talked to him yet?”

Alex worried his lip between his thumb and forefinger. “No. I’ve kinda been avoiding him for the past two weeks.”

“Wait, so you’ve seen him and said nothing?”

“Well, I said hi to him when he appeared in my flat, but he just kinda stared at me so I left. That was on the first day and since then there’s been nothing.”

“So find out from your RA where he lives and go fucking talk to him, dumbass.”

Alex winced. “Wow, okay, don’t sugar coat it.”

Aiden let out a sigh. “Look, I’ve heard both of you whining over it for the past year and neither of you have the closure that you want. Just talk to him, tell him what happened because while you’ve been feeling sorry for yourself, he’s had emotions too.”

This took Alex aback. “You know I’m the one who had my heart broken, right?”

“You’re not the only one with feelings, Alex. Hate to break it to you.”

“What does that mean?”

“Not my place to say. You know whose place it is though?”

“I hate you so much.”

“You don’t mean that.” There was a loud thud on the other end. “Shit I think Silvia just dropped something, I’m gonna have to go. I love you though, please talk to him.”

“Love you too, Aiden.”

Alex spun his phone between his fingers for a few moments, stewing while he thought about what Aiden had said. About Mark having feelings, too. Part of him thought, fleetingly, that he had broken Mark’s heart too, but he shook his head and let his logic win over. But there was a tug in his stomach that made him type Lucas’ name into messenger and send him a message.

Alex [12:37pm] hey, do you know what apartment Mark Lee lives in?

Lucas [12:39pm] yeah, 14B

Lucas [12:40pm] he’s not home right now but I can let you in until he is, his class finishes in like 5

[Alex [12:41pm] thank you, I’ll be up soon

Alex swung himself out of bed and checked himself over in the mirror, his heart thumping hard in his chest. He put on some bronze eyeshadow and changed his shirt to something more flattering, then grabbed his phone and wallet and left the apartment.

Lucas opened the door with a solemn look on his face. “I want you to know I’m doing this for him, not you. I’m his friend before I’m your RA.”

Alex nodded, even if he didn’t understand what Lucas meant. “Where’s his room?”

Lucas showed him down the hall, and Alex was relieved when Mark’s door was unlocked. Lucas left him, disappearing into a room further down the hall. Alex took a deep breath and stepped into Mark’s room.

It was meticulously tidy, as Mark’s rooms always were. The ceilings were higher than in Alex’s flat, seeing as Mark’s was on the top floor. He had a collection of potted cacti on his window sill, a tea light between each of the jars. He had clean white sheets on his bed, and his pin board was full of photos and notes and movie tickets. Alex walked to the pin board, looking at the polaroids. Some were obviously from the previous year; he and Lucas with arms around each other at bars, he and a couple of girls who were kissing while Mark threw a thumbs up. Alex smiled.

As he looked closer, he noticed that some of the photos were from Mark’s last year of college. Photos of him with Aiden, Carlos and Jaemin were pinned between ones with Mark and his new friends. There was one photo, from the night they all went ice skating, with all five of them, arms around each other. But over Alex’s face was a strawberry sticker. And as Alex looked at other photos, he noticed that every time he appeared, Mark had stuck a strawberry sticker over his face. Shame burned hot in Alex’s face, but before he could turn around and leave, he heard Mark enter the flat.

“Lucas, you still home?”

Down the hall, Lucas yelled back. “Yeah, I’ll be ready in a minute.”

Alex started to panic – they’d obviously had plans already. He was an idiot for thinking that Mark would put his life on hold for Alex, that he wouldn’t have anything in the way. That Mark would just be sitting in his flat waiting for Alex to come to him. But it was too late; Mark’s footsteps were getting closer and closer until the door handle turned and Mark stepped inside.

Just as he had the first day of move in, Mark froze. He had his backpack half off his shoulders, one shoe off as he stared at Alex, mouth agape. Slowly, his bag fell off his arm, making a dull clunk sound as it hit the ground.

“Shit.” Mark took off his other shoe and picked up his bag, putting it on his desk and turning to look at Alex with his hands on his hips. “Hi, Alex.”

Alex crossed his arms. “He speaks.”

Mark swiped a hand over the back of his neck – a habit that still got to Alex. “Yeah, sorry about the other day. It was just a shock, you know?”

“It was a shock for me too, Mark.”

Mark let out all the air in his lungs in one breath. He moved to sit on the edge of the bed, patting the space next to him. Alex walked over to the office chair and sat down, keeping his arms crossed as he spun it to face Mark. He took a moment to collect himself, forced himself not to look at how soft Mark’s bottom lip looked trapped between his teeth.

“We should talk about what happened. If we’re going to be basically living together.”

There was a soft knock on the door and Lucas poked his head in. “I’m gonna head out, text me if you want me to pick anything up for you.”

“Thanks.”

He shut the door behind him and Alex turned back to Mark. “You two are cute together.”

Mark’s eyes went wide. “No, no we’re not – we’re not together. Anymore.”

Alex raised an eyebrow. “Anymore?”

Mark rubbed his neck. “Yeah, we were for a while, but it didn’t work out.”

Alex nodded. “Cute photos, by the way. The strawberries are a very nice touch.”

“That’s not fair,” Mark said, a blush creeping up his neck.

“If you hated seeing my face so much you shouldn’t have put them up in the first place.”

“It wasn’t that, Alex. It was never that.”

“Then what was it?” Alex could feel his voice rising, but he felt like he couldn’t stop it. “What made you just cut me the fuck off like that?”

Mark frowned. “Why are you mad at me? You’re the one who said you didn’t want anything.”

Tears burned at Alex’s eyes. “That’s not what I meant when I said that. You can’t blame me for you not wanting to stay and talk it out.”

“What was I supposed to think?” Mark was starting to tear up now, too. “You said you didn’t want anything, you didn’t want me.”

Alex stood up suddenly and without meaning to. “That’s not what I meant, Mark! You put me on the spot and I didn’t know what the fuck to tell you!” He walked closer to Mark, at this point spitting venom in his words and yelling. “How was I supposed to tell you I was fucking in love with you? And then you went and said that I ruined everything and you left me. How was I supposed to feel? Knowing that you didn’t want me?”

Mark stood up too. “You really are stupid, Alex, if you thought you were the only one who got feelings. It’s not my fault that you’re too blind to what other people feel because you’re so self-absorbed thinking about yourself.”

Alex was fuming. “You must be stupid if you didn’t see that everything I did that year was for you. How I was always ready at a moment’s notice to come be the shoulder for you to cry on and for you to use to relieve your stress. You never cared about me, Mark. You only cared that I was a warm fucking body.”

“Alex, I fucking loved you too!” Mark practically screamed, tears flowing freely down his face. “Why do you think I asked you what you wanted? I wanted more, I wanted you to be more than a friend who I made out with sometimes! And then you said you didn’t want it, that shit hurt.” He jabbed a finger in Alex’s chest.

“How the fuck was I supposed to know? You never fucking told me anything!” Alex’s version was going blurry. “You were too pathetic to ask me outright and made it so fucking vague what was I supposed to say?” He planted his hands on Mark’s chest and shoved him so hard he fell back onto the bed.

Both of them were crying, Mark’s eyes red as his chest rose and fell. Alex could only assume that he looked the same, hoping that his eyeshadow wasn’t running down his face as well. As he looked down at Mark, the magnitude of what they had both said to each other hit Alex hard and he let out a sob, clutching at his neck as he didn’t know what else to do.

When Mark spoke, his voice was a hoarse whisper. “Alex.”

It was all it took for Alex to collapse on top of him, straddling Mark’s waist and pressing their lips together. Mark’s hands came up to frame Alex’s face, thumbs swiping at his tears. He pulled away for a moment, leaving just a breath of space between their mouths.

“I’m so sorry, Alex I’m so sorry I didn’t mean those th –”

“Shut up,” Alex said, and went back in for the kiss, this time with an open mouth.

Kissing Mark again for the first time in over a year felt like Alex was finally coming home. The shape of his lips were so familiar and the feeling of his tongue pressed against Alex’s was welcome. He had missed Mark so much, and it all washed over him at once as he pressed himself harder into Mark’s hold. Something about the kiss was sloppier than he remembered it being, it was more desperate and urgent, like the two of them were scared of the other disappearing. Alex sat up a little, drawing a whine from Mark as he took off his shirt and started to tug at the hem of Mark’s. He took the hint and lifted his torso, allowing Alex to drag the fabric over his skin. Before Alex had a chance to explore Mark’s exposed skin, Mark sat up and attached his mouth to Alex’s collar bone. One of his arms wound around Alex’s waist while the other lay flat against Alex’s chest.

Alex was still crying, but it wasn’t in anger or sadness anymore. He couldn’t place the feeling he was experiencing, he thought it was probably because there were too many all at once. He let Mark pick him up and lie him down on the bed, moving his mouth farther down Alex’s chest. Alex thought he could probably figure out his emotions later and instead lost himself in the sensation of Mark’s hands and mouth.

By the time Lucas returned, Alex was mostly dry eyed. He and Mark were lying in bed, under the covers with Mark’s chest against Alex’s back. Their shirts were still discarded on the floor somewhere, the duvet pulled up to cover their bare chests. Alex was tracing the moles on Mark’s forearm when there was a knock at the door.

Mark sat up a little. “Yeah?”

Lucas’ eyes widened when he saw the state they were in and he looked away. “Jesus, Mark. Could’ve given me some warning.”

Mark threw a cushion at him as Alex giggled. “Fuck you nothing happened.”

“Right, and this room doesn’t reek of hormones. Anyway, Chan’s coming over to make dinner. Alex, you’re welcome to join us.”

When he left, Mark settled back down against the pillows. Alex turned over so that they were face to face, and he thought he’d never get tired of looking at Mark. He tangled their fingers together.

“Who’s Chan?”

Mark smiled, pressing his lips to the pads of Alex’s fingers. “Lucas’ boyfriend. We all lived together last year.”

Alex snorted. “Bit awkward.”

Mark shrugged one shoulder. “Not really. Will you stay for dinner?”

Alex had promised Heejin he’d get dinner with her; she wanted to try out a new take away place up the road. But he thought she would understand.

“I’d love that, Minhyung.”